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Childhood

December 21, 2011

Childhood

What does the word childhood mean to me?

Untrusting, unloving, unworthy

Childhood was a lonely bitter place

No one to care about me never feeling a loving embrace

Always getting yelled and cussed at even when I wasn’t there

Feeling so hurt and angry

Wondering why I had to be me

Too skinny, no good and ugly

No one wanted me at school or at home

always wandering, feeling destined to be alone

Then I started to be in trouble and fight

and it felt so good so right

And my mom thought I was cool

So I began to break every rule

Just to see her be proud of me

It felt so good to no longer be lonely

I finally existed in her eyes

Then she lost interest and that’s what started all my lies

I wanted to be someone that everyone would want to be my friend

So I lied about everything so the attention wouldn’t end

I made up friends and experiences I never had

Just because I wanted attention so bad

Every time my mom and stepdad would hit me my mind would float away

I’d daydream of hanging out with made up friends on a hot summers day

Then my dreams became reality for me

So I would talk about it to everyone I would see

I never realized they called me a liar and crazy

I was just trying to get someone to care about me

I stopped lying but the old lies wouldn’t go away

people were mean and made fun of me and I had nothing to say

So I got married to my first husband thinking he was my escape from that horrible reality

But nope he showed me physical and emotional pain that I never before did see

He beat me, broke my spirit and made me fear

When he was around it felt like the devil was near

He’d beat me until I couldn’t breathe no more

Id lay there for hours gasping on the floor

With him gang life and violence was everyday

But I learned to protect myself in everyway

Easter day of 2000 was the last day of my torment

I told my mom lock him out let him vent

He caused such a ruckus the cops came that day

It took a beanbag gun to knock him down so they could take him away

19 years old and 2 daughters by my side

I was so mentally abused I couldn’t even leave my front door no matter how hard I tried

I got a divorce and Vodka was what got me through

Without it I wouldn’t have known what to do

Even though I knew him my whole life on 4/20/2001 I hooked up with Joe through a friend

In his eyes I seen my misery could end

June 29 2001

Was the day I finally felt the sun

We got married on that day

And he made my fears of my ex go away

March 4 2003 my son was born that day

my fear of everything went away that day

I finally let my true self come out

And everyone in my life today knows what I’m really about

Never again will I hide behind lies and shit that’s not real

Ill always be the true me and never hide what really feel

© April M. Barbosa 2008

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