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I wonder =*(

December 21, 2011

I wonder….

I wonder what I could have been if you never entered my 5 year old reality

I wonder who I was, who I should be

You took my innocence; you took the ability to trust from me

Instead you filled me with a rage that has become deadly

I loved you. And you were supposed to be my daddy

Now it feels awkward to call my real father dad even though that’s what he is biologically

Who would I be if you never gave me this burden of un-ending pain?

Would my life be the same?

I could have been more than I am now because my spirit would still be there

And the past wouldn’t be a torturous weight I have to bear

You made me think it was ok to hurt the ones you love, to make them bleed and cry

You made me think it was ok for a child to wish to die

You made me different from my peers

You made me different because they could never understand my pain and never know what caused my tears

I was an outcast shunned and pushed aside

Because to cover up your abuse the truth would blend in with each time I lied

I could have been a high school graduate I could have a degree

Damn I wonder who I was, I wish I remembered the old me

You took away my sanity, you took away my inner peace, you took away what I should’ve been, would’ve been, could’ve been, you took away me

what’s left behind is a rage filled, pain filled, lost entity

isn’t it funny though, my face still looks innocent, young and pain free?

 

© April M. Barbosa 2008

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From → Uncategorized

2 Comments
  1. I too am a survivor of abuse. My heart cries out for you as I read the words of your poem. What happened to you was not your fault. He had no right to take your innocence. I understand your pain, you are not alone.

    My heart sends you love as you walk your own journey. I know how it feels to be feel alone, and trapped within the self. Your writings are brave, you are an Angel.

    I send you blessings, love and light.
    Love, Joan

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