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The Alcoholic 24 year old me

December 21, 2011

I see the kind of dad I always wanted when I look at you

Your love for our kids reflects in everything you do

When they hurt I see the pain mirrored in your eyes

You’d do anything to ease their pain and pacify their cries

I remember watching you pacing the floor when Joseph was deathly ill

Not once did I feel alone because I could see you felt the same fear and anger that I could feel

I can close my eyes and see you walking Marialisa and Rosaura down the aisle or sitting with me watching each of our children graduate and start a life of their own

I cant wait to see what our lives are like when they are grown

My mom and my grandpa taught me men are supposed to work hard and take care of their family

Joe you do a good job taking care of the kids, Moxy and me

We may not be rich but we have all we need and never go hungry

I think you saved me

You helped me find God by showing me a love that was true

God’s light radiates from all you do

My life had been on a road to prison or death before I met you

Fighting, drinking partying and chaos was all I knew

You brought peace to the troubled wounded soul inside of me

You gave me a glimpse of the strong, confident, beautiful woman I would someday be

Trial and error and a day at a time I put you through drama without cease

Still you gave it your all and tried to keep the peace

I didn’t understand how people could live their lives drama free

The concept of a “normal” life was foreign to me

I craved the rush of drunken nights, bloody fist fights and anything else that made my adrenaline flow

I never stopped and seen what I was doing I was pushing you and the kids I away I was letting my family go

Vodka was my drink of choice with a Budweiser chaser to wash it down

I thought I was invincible while looking like a drunken clown

Still you carried me each time I hit the ground

You shielded me from what I had become and from everyone around

2005 was a hard year for me I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis then my grandpa past away

I felt so hurt I wanted to be numb inside so I started to drink everyday

The first time I hit rock bottom I looked at my self in the mirror and was ashamed of what I had done to me

The pills in the medicine cabinet called me invitingly

I swallowed them one by one watching my reflection seeing the emptiness in my eyes the pain in my heart began to increase

All I wanted was death all I yearned for was peace

I sat on the couch feeling the world spin

Then our kids came in

I knew I had made a huge mistake I tried to take it back but it was too late I was too far in

I called Eloisa and told her about my mortal sin

The cops came and looked at me like a leper they couldn’t seem to understand the pain under it all

They would never know the story that had led to my fall

All they seen was a bad mom that didn’t care

But in all honesty if I hadn’t loved my kids I would have let myself go and they never would have been called there

That day is the biggest shame I hold in my heart in my soul I relive it in my dreams weekly

That was part of the life of the 24 year old alcoholic me……

 

 

 © April M. Barbosa 2011

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