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Multiple Sclerosis the battle with myself

January 13, 2012

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis January 25, 2005 two days before my 24th birthday  and 7 months before my wonderful grandpa passed away. 2005 was a bad year for me. The neurologist who diagnosed me didnt tell me shit about the illness itself. He just said straight up “You have Multiple Sclerosis”. Anyone with MS can tell you that sometimes when in a flare its very hard to think. The dr just threw a packet on his desk and sent us on his way. I had not thought quick enough to ask any questions. I left there wondering if I was dying. I remember driving in silence with my husband and all of a sudden it was all funny. I couldnt stop laughing. My whole life had been changed. I was so upset. My husband was silent. I was scared I wondered if he would leave me. But I also wondered if I had any beer left at home. Because yes I was an alcoholic it was my solace. Doctors were driving me crazy no one could find anything wrong. We had suffered identity theft and the banks were taking a long time to resolve it all the while our house was being foreclosed. I was on medical leave and had ran out of funds. My relationship was falling apart. My husband had been stealing big amounts of money from me. He was hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend who were known meth heads. I was losing my sanity.

I could not understand how all this bullshit drama could keep happening so I did what came easiest I gave up and let alcohol take over. I took my kids to my inlaws house and left them there for days at a time. They knew thier son, my husband was into shady business so they left me alone. I was a violent drunk who would get mad at a moments notice so they hardly spoke to me. My own family did not speak to me anymore. So this diagnosis was hard on me. And I didn’t beleive it I couldnt beleive that not only had everyone in my life fucked me over but now my own body was going to also. I hated myself. Shit, I still hate myself. I drank myself unconscious daily I didnt care I craved death. I got into fights because the sound of fists hitting skin gave me an inner peace nothing else could. I lived on the edge and for each new symptom I had I found an excuse. If my legs hurt it was because i walked to much or stood too long, if my arms hurt it was because i used them too much, if my head hurt it was a stress headache, if i seen floaters or “rain” I would tell myself it was because i was tired, the forgetfulness I blamed on lack of sleep. The shortness of breath I convinced myself it was because i was getting old.

I can tell you I have lived a hard life since the day I was born but nothing has compared to multiple sclerosis. I have been jumped my 5 girls once and the pain I felt then was horrible but I didnt cry but the nerve pain MS causes me makes me cry like a little bitch. I sometimes scream and beg God to heal me and other times Im thankful for this illness and my husband because they are what saved me from death or prison. The life I was living was destined for nothing. Now I am using my energy and time to write instead of drink and fight. But there are still days that I am in denial that I have MS. Life is not fair but Im gonna do the best I can Ive made it this far and I never thought Id make it to 30 years old Im going to be 31 in 14 days..

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2 Comments
  1. Hi, Im Maggie. I found your blog searching at the topic “Multiple Sclerosis”… I still don´t know if that is what I have, but maybe. Still waiting for the MTR. But Im interested in getting to know as much as possible. You have a nice blog, Ill pass by again some other time. Take Care!
    Maggie

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