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Alcohol is my refuge God is my strength (poetry)

March 4, 2012

The unrest has been here since the day life was put into her body. The words swirl in her mind like a tornado on a country field tearing up peace bringing an unsettling feeling that the world is ending. There is no way to clear the mind once the words have spilt their evil poison. The shadows have crept into the home she has built in her mind. Unrest is all she will feel until something is able to put her mind at ease. That is when I let her sleep. Sleep precious one and I will guide you through the hard time. You will awaken when it is safe…….

The endless dance we call life has carried her in circles for far too long. She watched from the eyes of the prison of herself. No one can know the thoughts the feelings the madness. She yearns for death, a bloody tribute to a life that was never held in high regard. The blade gleams invitingly begging to do her the honor of releasing the fluid of life, she so badly wants to be rid of. The voices scream asking for vengeance for the hurts of long ago. She is torn raised to believe she was nothing but a pillar for abuse. Yet she looks in the mirror and sees sad eyes looking back. A face of a girl who does not deserve this daily torture. She sits thinking slowly having the memories wash over her like a cold wave at sea. The memories themselves are like physical beings causing a hurt so strong she gasps for air. Never will she understand why these things happened to her. Never will the wounds heal.

I could close my eyes and let the world pass me by. Enjoying the silence the nothingness that is me. I am nothing a no one, stuck in a world of familiar faces yet so alone. Friend is just a word, trust is only a myth. The carousel of life is dizzyingly fast. The words the promises roll by over and over yet they never grip and stay true. Promises have been made, promises have been broken. I feel lost so out of place as if this is not the place for me. Then I look off the carousel into the nothingness. What is out there? The voice has beckoned, promising relief, promising peace. All I have to do is jump. The carousel is going so fast I am stuck, I just want to let go and fall in to the nothingness and feel the peace, feel the end..
Drowning in life, unable to breath. Clawing at a wall that isn’t there. Holding on to a hope that never was. No one to help so totally alone. The darkness is thick with a negative energy that is pure evil. Fear is the main emotion. Yet hate is slowly growing and overcoming the fear

I find myself wishing for something that never was. A peace that was never felt. A love that was never there. I search for a place to belong

I love the feeling when the world goes away when there is clarity. understanding of everything that has ever been an issue, Alcohol is my refuge God is my strength. © April M. Barbosa 2010

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